Am I being paranoid?

[Moon-Unit]

I don't even know were to start with this post, im not looking for advice or even a comment. Sometimes I find it just helps to write things down so here goes:

2 years ago Sarah nearly left me (had an affair), reasons being I had got a bit complacent when it came to spending time with the family and our family lifestyle had suffered. I was quickly able to pull things back into shape and the last 2 years as a family have been fantastic to say the least.

During these last 2 years however I've seen and found some things that have worried me, firstly I found some pictures of her boss on her phone when I was bluetoothing some pictures I'd taken of Charley over for her. The pictures were revealing to say the least, graphic would be a better word to use. Another thing I found was a coded message written using out fridge magnets that she had taken a picture of and sent over to him (this was just after they had been on a training course for a week together). lastly yesterday when I was setting up our new wireless router on her work laptop she had either sent or received 2 songs via MSN (they were in her shared files folder) the songs were "cant get you out of my head" and "Lovers on the back seat".

Now there's nothing wrong with sending a friend or colleague music but the titles raised an alarm in my head.

Problem I have is I cant raise the issue with her in case im wrong - because if I am wrong she'll go F**king nuts and most likely I'd loose her. If im right then I'd have to leave her myself so you its like this:

I cant win, if I raise the issue and im wrong she'll probably leave me, if im right I'd probably leave - dammed if I do and dammed if I dont.

My head is spinning, I feel sick, cant work, cant think , cant sleep.

She leaves the UK next Monday for 10 days to visit her dad in Indonesia, maybe a break and time to think is what I need.............

[<mojo>]

Mate .... The way you're explaing things it doesn't sound good but its all to easy to twist things round in your head a make things seem much worse that they are . Thats the nature of the beast my friend . I've had and witnessed some serious paranoia and its unbelievable what people can convince themselves of .

To be honest ... if it was me in this situation i'd have to know for sure what was what . I'd either confront her straight away or find out some other way .... but thats just me .

It sounds like there's a lot at stake for you and I can't imagine how difficult it is .

Hopefully you are just been paranoid !

Good luck !

[Nicko]

Bloody hell mate, what a predicament. I really wouldn't know what to suggest, as obviously I'm only 19 and have therefore never been married. The only thing I could think of would be to ask her about the picture of the boss on the phone as IMO that's the most incriminating thing you've mentioned. If you just ask why she had it on there then she really doesn't have a right to kick off on one as it's a more than reasonable question. If she doesn't have an explanation, or storms out without explaining then what does that say?

BTW I really don't wanna sound like I'm condemning her or anything as I sincerely hope it's all a misunderstanding or what have you.

Good luck mate, hope it all gets sorted.

EDIT: And I really don't think you should blame yourself for the "paranoia". Even if nothing's been going on you still have a right to some answers. It would've taken a lot less for me to be worrying.

[Gukophoto]

Sorry to hear this bud.

I understand this seems like a very difficult situation to find yourself in. I would suggest as you stated, give yourself till Monday. Then give yourself the 10 days.

The time alone to think should help to clear your head. If she nearly left before, you need to think, why things got back on track, and if things have been right for the last 2 years.

I know this is a difficult subject to deal with, especially when we are with someone for so long, making the right choice can be the hardest thing, because you can feel like you will have wasted the last years and potentially cause problems for the future.

Now back on track. Whilst she is away you have the roam of the house.
I know it sounds bad, but if you have suspicions, then you should investigate these for youself.

Check the computer history, web history, have a look with your important papers, etc. If there is something, below the board, then there will be traces. If its not below the board, and just paranoia, then the evidence will be in your head.

The other option, is send the last message she sent to her boss, to yourself. Question it. Just say she must have sent it accidently, see if you get a response from that. (Obviously that is risky).

I know how you feel, and I think it is horrible situation to find yourself in. I just hope that you can sort it out, find out what is going on, and secure your marriage, or if necessary, turn your back on the apst without regret.

A

[monkey]

She won't necessarily leave you if you ask her about it. Depends on the way you ask her. Obviously, if you go in all guns blazing, it will end up in a fight whether she's guilty or not. But as Nicko says, I think you have every right to ask about the dodgy photo. But make sure you are calm when you ask, no shouting!

The other things might look suspicious, but there is a good chance that it's just friendly banter so I wouldnt necessarily make a big deal out of those (or even mention them at all).

I've done similar things to your wife when I have been going out with someone. I wasn't having an affair though, but some of the "flirtations" were things I shouldn't have done while I was in a relationship and really wouldn't have like my partner to find out about.

[PinkFish]

Wow you are really stuck in a tight spot and I wouldn't even think about giving you advice towards one way or another, thats not something for me to say.

One thing I can and will say is this.

Are you a paranoid person? Have you questioned her monogamy in the past? on more that one occasion? If the answer is yes then what I'm about to say won't really help but if the answer is no then read on.

In response to being accused falsely normal human behavour towards someone known to you will be that of jest or hilarity (repetative accusations will lead to anger) but if accused of something you are hiding then anger will be the first response.

In the end things like this do not remain hidden, I have been on both ends of this argument and if she is up to something mistakes will be made, that fact that it has happened already in the past will only make her wiser the next time around.

Family comes first, that's you and your childeren, not you and your partner.

[Gukophoto]

Oh, another quick idea...

Find out how the magents were arranged on the fridge... and put them back like that...

See if she notices.. and see how long it takes to go back to being like that... Do you know what sort of code it was, or just meant something, but only to them ?

A

[zoidy]

I think with these things that once you get something stuck in your head then absolutely everything becomes suspicious. I used to be a very jealous person of an ex i had (in the end i drove her away) but i remember finding a text on her phone by accident from a guy she knew; long story short there was nothing discriminating but its never nice and was "over-friendly" to say the least.

Point is that after that everything you see (for example the two songs) turns from being innocent to guilty and you build up such a complex in your head about it that you get to where you are now. For me, i would say that you have to say nothing until she goes away, give yourself this time to calm down and construct a conversation of points you want to put across.

I wouldn't mention the songs as things that small make it sound (to her) like you are trying to convict her and have been spying/looking for things. I would say to her that you have seen the picture and it made you feel uncomfortable. Don't throw 2 years ago back in her face becuase you have forgiven her for that and have become a partnership again on the fact that that was in the past...

instead you can say that it has reminded you of how felt back then and ask if she understands where your coming from. I think you absolutely have to talk to her on whatever terms though because, at the end of the day, you can't go on like this - but either way, def wait to see how you feel after break! - you may be calmer and something else may of come to light.

Good luck there though, i hope you didn't mind me posting!?

[captainff]

If it's happened before .. .. .. .. .. ..


Probably not what you were hoping to hear, but .. .. .. .. ..





As you say at the end of your post, damned if you do, damned if you don't. Before she goes away is the time to find out one way or the other. At least then you'll both have 10 days to get over the answer, sort out your heads, and try to resolve this however it needs resolving.

[biddenden_sue]

The signs are not promising.

There is a remote chance that the dodgy photo was sent by someone as a joke. You never know, but...

In reality you have 2 choices.

Confront her (nicely) to see what the score is, or

Stick your head in the sand and be grateful that she is still with you, as this could mean she only sees it as a bit of fun.

Depends on whether she is worth hanging on to or whether you would rather know the truth and walk away.

But you should ask yourself if she is having an affair, why is she still coming home to you?

If you decide not to say anything, may I suggest that you buy her the odd surprise presnt, some flowers each Friday etc. Woo her again to see if that changes things...if she has been playing away from home, that in itself may be enough to make her stop.

Good thing you do have a 10 day break from her to think about it all.

Good luck.